The ALTAR BOYZ "10 Commandments"
Written By: Kevin Del Aguila, Ken Davenport, Marc Kessler, Gary Adler and Michael Patrick Walker

THE ALTAR BOYZ “10 COMMANDMENTS” (TABLET 1)

1. THOU SHALT NOT PLAY FALSE IDOLS: Yes, the Altar Boyz are stereotypes playing out their assigned roles in the boy-band. However, finding the real people within those roles is key. And though performers must have a sensibility for the humor of the show, do not succumb to the temptation to “camp it up” or overtly wink at the audience. Overemphasizing punch lines, commenting on the material or adding unnecessary shtick only serves to cheapen the characters and undermine the audience’s belief in them. Allow the audience to laugh from their observance of the Boyz’ honest and sincere behavior; clue them in to the humor as opposed to blatantly pointing it out. The Boyz have big and colorful personalities, but exaggerate them too much and the audience will not buy the fact that they’re watching a real boy-band on stage. It’s a fine line to walk—between parody and realism—but ultimately, it helps make the show funnier, more interesting and touching.

2. THOU SHALT NOT KILL THE JOKE: Most boy-bands have an “is he gay or isn’t he?” member of the group. In Mark’s case, the humor comes from the fact that there’s really no question whatsoever in the audience’s mind about what team he’s playing for. And though he may exhibit many stereotypical traits associated with said team, he and all of the other Boyz must remain completely unaware of this fact. They should never question, judge or comment on his behavior. To them, he’s just the sweet and happy Mark they’ve grown up with.

3. REMEMBER THE DISBELIEF AND KEEP IT SUSPENDED: Like religion, the mysterious powers of the Soul Sensor will be believed by some and poo-poo’d by others. But as long as the Boyz believe in it fervently, the audience will go along for the ride. We can assume that in all of their concerts up to this point, the Boyz have always been able to make the Soul Sensor countdown reach zero (they’ve probably had to perform “Epiphany” a few times, but never the dreaded “Number 918”). Tonight, however, is not like any other night....

4. THOU SHALT HONOR THY SCRIPT AND THY “SCRIPT”: Clearly, much of the “concert” that the Boyz perform has been scripted for them. They may “ad lib” here and there, but for the most part, they all know their cues and lines. As the evening progresses, however, the banter becomes more “off the cuff.” The closer they get to achieving their goal of zero on the Soul Sensor, the more they have to wing it—by adjusting their set list to play whatever song they think might affect a given audience, or covering for the occasional Luke diatribe or Juan breakdown. Discovering which dialogue is either “rehearsed” or happening in the moment should be a fun task for the actors and director.

5. THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT VIBRATO: The vocal sound of Altar Boyz should resemble the pop music aesthetic it’s parodying as closely as possible. This means that pretty, musical theater-like vibrato is sacrilege. Straight tones give the harmonies a purer and more radio-friendly, boy-band sound. 

THE ALTAR BOYZ “10 COMMANDMENTS” (TABLET 2)

 
6. THOU SHALT COVET THY MTV: Like the vocals, the choreography of Altar Boyz should strive to emulate real boy-band moves and attitude (with some occasional religious iconography thrown in for good measure). Mark is the resident choreographer for the Altar Boyz, which means that the dancing in the show should look as though it was created by someone who grew up intimately familiar with the teachings of both MTV and the Catholic Church. Like everything else in the show, every boy-band cliché should be treated as gospel, just as every traditional religious reference should be embraced as the latest and coolest trend.

7. THOU SHALT NOT CAST THY ACTORS IN VAIN: Performers in Altar Boyz should be able to sing, dance and act (the Holy Trinity of talent). Beyond that, they should be good comedians and possess the right MTV-ready “look” for a boy-band. And though the ages of the Boyz can waiver throughout the 20-something range, in a perfect world Mark would be the youngest member of the group and Luke would most likely be the oldest (probably held back a few years in school). Yet they should all be close enough in ages that it’s plausible that they could have served as altar boys together in their pre- to early-teens, or (as in the case of Abe) have been in the same grade in school.

8. THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST ABE: Abraham is not a convert or a “Jew for Jesus.” Though he sings and writes songs for the group about JC, he is simply obeying God’s strange request, while remaining faithful to his Jewish beliefs. Sensitivity to this fact should be kept in mind and reinforced while staging.

9. THOU SHALT NOT MAKE UNTO THEE ANY GRAVE ATTITUDES: The Boyz might be a tad naïve and unaware of how the audience perceives them, but there is enviable strength to be found in their optimism and passion for their beliefs. Keep them true innocents—loving, joyous and supportive, never bitchy or judgmental. Even in the face of an audience volunteer who refuses to play along....

10. THOU SHALT NOT STEAL: This doesn’t really have anything to do with our show. But it’s good advice, just the same.

IMPORTANT BONUS COMMANDMENTS

11. THOU SHALT NOT INSERT AN INTERMISSION IN “ALTAR BOYZ”: In the beginning, Altar Boyz was created to be performed without an intermission.  The creators require that your production be performed in ONE ACT, unless you have received prior written approval from R&H Theatricals.

12. THOU SHALT NOT RECORD THE BANDThe “Raise The Praise”: concert tour – like any pop-music concert – features live musicians.  The physical presence of the band onstage contributes to creating the feel of a real concert.  Under no circumstance may you record the musical accompaniment to Altar Boyz”